this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
