The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
