He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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