Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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