"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
my phone needs a breathalizer
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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