wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
