the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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