proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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