Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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