I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
