You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
