drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
