There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
