You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
