I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
