So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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