Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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