I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
