The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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