Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
