these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
