I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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