Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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