God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
