Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize