He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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