Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
