dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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