hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
