I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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