i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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