You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
