Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
