I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm getting married
To pizza
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
