my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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