apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
