I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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