Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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