Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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