dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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