I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize