I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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