We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I am puke
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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