Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
