saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
