im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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