i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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