there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
