Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
