he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
