did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
