I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
