I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
