Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize