last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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