i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
