if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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