My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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